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A tourist walks into a curio shop in San Francisco. Looking around at the exotica, he notices a very life-like, life-sized bronze statue of a rat. It has no price tag, but is so striking he decides he must have it.
He took it to the owner: "How much for the bronze rat?" "Twelve dollars for the rat, one hundred dollars for the story," said the owner.
The tourist gave the man twelve dollars. "I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story." As he walked down the street carrying his bronze rat, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the alleys and sewers and began following him down the street. This was disconcerting, he began walking faster. But within a couple blocks, the herd of rats behind him had grown to thousands.
Concerned, even scared, he ran to the edge of the Bay, and threw the bronze rat as far out into the Bay as he could. Amazingly, the millions of rats all jumped into the Bay after it, and were all drowned.
The man walked back to the curio shop. "Ah ha," said the owner, "You have come back for the story?" "No," said the man, "I came back to see if you have a bronze Lawyer."A lawyer finds out he has a brain tumor, and it`s inoperable - in fact, it`s so large, they have to do a brain transplant. His doctor gives him a choice of available brains - there`s a jar of rocket scientist brains for $10 an ounce, a jar of regular scientist brains for $15 an ounce, and a jar of lawyer brains for the princely sum of $800 an ounce. The outraged lawyer says, "This is a rip-off - how come the lawyer brains are so damned expensive?" The doctor replies, "Do you know how many lawyers it takes to get an ounce of brains?"
English...
A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. "In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative." A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."Something we can thank lawyers for? copper wire!
was discovered by two lawyers fighting over a pennyA New York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?" The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street." Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true.
Saint Peter said, "Well , that`s fine, but it`s not really quite enough to get you into Heaven." The Lawyer said, "Wait Wait! There`s more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter." Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified.
Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?"Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter,
"Let`s give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell."HUNTING Lawyers...
1. Any person with a valid Washington State hunting license may harvest attorneys. 2. Taking of attorneys with traps or is permitted. The use of currency as bait is prohibited. 3. Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If accidentally struck, move attorney to roadside and proceed car wash. 4. It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a snow machine, helicopter, or aircraft. 5. It shall be unlawful to shout "whiplash", "ambulance", or "free Perrier" for the purpose of trapping attorneys. 6. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW dealerships. 7. It shall be unlawful to use cocaine, young boys, $100 bills, prostitutes, or vehicle accidents to attract attorneys. 8. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law libraries, gay bars, ambulances, or hospitals. 9. If an attorney is elected to government office, it shall be a felony to hunt, trap, or possess it. 10. Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department inspection for AIDS, rabies, and vermin. 11. It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a reporter, drug dealer, pimp, female legal clerk, sheep, accident victim, bookie, or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.BAG LIMITS
1.Yellow Bellied Sidewinder limit 2 2. Two-faced Tort Feasor limit 3 3.Back-stabbing Divorce Litigator limit 5 4. Big-mouthed Pub Gut limit 2 5.Honest Attorney EXTINCT 6. Cut-throat limit 2 7.Back-stabbing Whiner limit 2 8. Brown-nosed Judge Kisser limit 2 9.Silver-tongued Drug Defender $100 bounty
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you`re in the wrong place."
So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they`ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how`s it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We`ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there`s no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God replies, "What??? You`ve got an engineer?
That`s a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I`m keeping him."
God says, "Send him back up here or I`ll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
A guy was stuck in a traffic jam that hadn`t moved for more than half an hour.
Looking out his car window he saw a kid on a skateboard weaving his way towards
him through the line of stranded vehicles."Hey son, what`s the hold up?" the guy asked.
"It`s some crazy lawyer," replied the kid, "He`s lying in the middle of the road
and he`s doused himself with petrol and is threatening to set fire to himself.
We`re taking up a collection for him. Would you like to donate mister?""How much have you got so far?" the guy inquired.
"Oh," said the kid, "about thirty boxes of matches and twenty-three lighters."
Q: What`s the difference between a lawyer and a tick?
A: A tick drops off you when you die.Q: What do you get when you cross a lawyer with a demon from hell?
A: Another lawyer.For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this
country inn. The last time he`d finally managed an affair with the innkeeper`s daughter.Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of
the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!"Helen, why didn`t you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!"
"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all
night talkin` and talkin` and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the
family than a lawyer."An Elephant had just finished taking a dump in the jungle when a lion came running up
and began to gobble it up...
the elephant said what on earth are you doing?
The lion replied, "I just ate a lawyer and I want to get the taste out of my mouth..."A doctor vacationing on the Riviera met an old lawyer friend and asked him what
he was doing there.The lawyer replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I bought? Well, it caught
fire, so here I am with the fire insurance proceeds. What are you doing here?"The doctor replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I had in Mississippi? Well,
the river overflowed, and here I am with the flood insurance proceeds."The lawyer looked puzzled. "Gee," he asked, "How do you start a flood?"
Three lawyers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three lawyers each buy tickets and watch as the three accountants buy only a single ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks a lawyer "Watch and you'll see," answers an accountant.
They all board the train. The lawyers take their respective seats but all three bookkeepers cram into a rest room and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets.
He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please."The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand.
The conductor takes it and moves on.The lawyers saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea.
So after the conference, the accountants buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the lawyers don't buy a ticket at all."How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant.
"Watch and you'll see," answers an lawyer.
When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three lawyers cram into another one nearby. The train departs.
Shortly afterward, one of the lawyers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding.He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."
Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the
Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they
would each have to answer one question.St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that
crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it." The teacher answered
quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate.St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't REALLY need all
the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a
little harder: "How many people died on the ship?" Fortunately for him, the trash
man had just seen the movie and answered, "about 1,500." "That's right! You may
enter."Saint Peter then turned to the lawyer. "Name them."
