November 2004
Malverne High School

Back in the eighteenth century when the road to the White House was an unpaved horse trail and the French were still our friends, candidates relied on the printed word to carry their messages to the people. Often, potentially devastating smear campaigns wouldn’t reach their target audiences due to lazy “express ponies” who failed to deliver the newspapers on time. Thanks to today’s Information Superhighway and its sidekick The Tube, information travels faster than you can say Dan Rather. Technology, however, (like the pony) is fallible. As a result, a few unimportant tidbits of information about the candidates have slipped under the corporate news radar. As always, the Mule has answered the call of duty and formulated a quiz which should help you figure out which political species you actually belong to. The following inconsequential questions have been answered by six arbitrarily selected presidential candidates and their responses appear as answers Keep reading to find out which candidate best matches your views regarding the trivial, insignificant issues usually neglected by people who actually care about politics.

Fast Food Election


BY EMILY WELLIKOFF

1. For presidential candidates, “They’re starving in Ethiopia!” is more than a desperate mom’s plea on behalf of Brussels sprouts and the Clean Plate Club. But even politicians choose ice cream over broccoli. Of the following list of preferred presidential meals, which is your favorite?
A. Cheesecake
B. Wonton Soup
C.Everything!
D. Anything Mexican
E. Shrimp and Tuna
F. Chocolate Chip Cookies

2.Music can play an instrumental role in a presidential election. Some say that candidates’ musical preferences actually sway the younger crowd. Come on, give us some credit. It’s not like we need P. Diddy to tell us it’s cool to vote. If you won the election, which type of music would you boogie down to on your way to the White House?
A. Reggae
B. Blues and Jazz
C. Anything but rap and disco
D. Anything but Moby
E. Oldies
F. Bon Jovi and Bruce Springsteen

3. When they’re not busy playing “Commander in Chief,” presidents like to pretend they’re real people who know how to have fun. It’s called the Oval Office, not the Square one. Some of the candidates’ favorite pastimes are included below. What are your favorite hobbies?
A. Spelunking and gardening
B. Violin playing and pressing wild flowers
C. Writing, bowling, and ear-wiggling
D. Jogging, fishing, and watching baseball games
E. Hunting, fishing, and watching C-Span
F. Snowboarding, playing acoustic guitar, and riding my Harley.

4. Hey, what’s your sign? If it’s not listed, choose the sign with which you’re most compatible.
A. Gemini (early summer)
B. Virgo
C. Aquarius
D. Cancer (later summer)
E. Pisces
F. Sagittarius

5. Sure, presidents have to be nice to humans. But now they have to pander to dogs, too. A recent poll shows that the number of electoral votes a candidate receives is directly proportional to the number of pets he has. What type of pets do you have?
A. Dog (Lady)
B. Cat (Little Boo)
C. Inscrutable pet rock (Seymour)
D. Two dogs (Spotty and Barney) and a cat (India)
E. Cats and dogs (no names provided, which means they don’t really exist)
F. Yellow Canary (Sunshine)

6. What’s you favorite children’s book?
A. Charlotte's Web
B. Animal Farm
C. Little miss muffit
D. The Very Hungry Caterpillar by Eric Carle
E. Through the looking glass
F. Does War and Peace count?

7. Which fortune cookie message appeals to you most?
A. “Wit is the salt of conversation, not the food.”
B. “Your happy heart brings joy and peace where there is none.”
C. “Give a kiss to the person who sits next to you.”
D. “There is not greater pleasure than seeing your lived ones prosper.”
E. “You are never bitter, deceptive, or petty.”
F. “A golden egg of opportunity falls into your lap this month.”

Now figure out which letter you picked most often. This letter corresponds to one of this year’s presidential nominees. If you picked…

A.You should support Mr. Ronald E. ‘John Galt, Jr’ Gascon! Party: Write-in On Drugs: “Think about this: the first thing I will do is legalize Marijuana, the first thing George Bush will do is send you to some foreign country to get killed. Thank you, Good Night.”

B.You should support Mr. Jackson Kirk Grimes! Party: United Fascist Union On Abortion: “As you may know both Mussolini & Hussein outlawed abortion in Italy and Iraq during their lives. However, we believe this was due in no small part to the religious beliefs of the Italians & Iraqis and so has no bearing on what we do in America. Also, they’re dead now & the United Fascist Union has to keep up with the times.”

C.You should support Mr. Michael W. ‘Mike’Bay! Party: National Barking Spider Resurgence On Education: “As Rush Limburger sez, “words are mean things”. And smart fellers can better control them mean words than fart smellers can. You know what I mean. I think.”

D. You should support President George W. Bush!Party: Republican On Abortion: “My pro-life position is I believe there’s life. It’s not necessarily based in religion. I think there’s a life there,therefore the notion of life, liberty, and pursuit of happiness.”

E. You should support Mr. Christopher G Fenner! Party: Independent On Everything: “My priorities are to lower the retirement age of 65 to 62.... To treat our service men & women who have gotten injured in this so called war to fully investigate what really happened on Sep 11 to see who made money from it and to look into the false claim of WMDS that Iraq had we need to have our own oil supply from the USA to stop the V22 osprey program”

F.You should support Senator John Forbes Kerry! Party: Democratic On Military Service:
“I left some blood on a battlefield that President Bush never left anywhere.”

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