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A man, called to testify at the IRS, asked his accountant for advice on what to
wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper. "Then he
asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let
them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie."Confused, the man went to his rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and
requested some resolution of the dilemma. "Let me tell you a story," replied the
rabbi. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her
wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your
neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. 'Wear
your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel."The man protested: "What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?"
"No matter what you wear, you are going to get .... screwed."
Joke for you yuppies and cyberjocks out there
* you know who you are...* An ambitious yuppie finally decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life -- at least for a while. A hurricane came unexpectedly. The ship went down and was lost instantly. The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing. Only bananas and coconuts.>
> Used to four-star hotels, this guy had no idea what to do. So for
> the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice, longed
> for his old life, and fixed his gaze on the sea, hoping to spot a
> rescue ship.
>
> One day, as he was lying on the beach, he spotted movement out of
> the corner of his eye. It was a rowboat, and in it was the most
> gorgeous woman he had ever seen. She rowed up to him.> In disbelief, he asked her: "Where did you come from? How did you get here? "
>
> "I rowed from the other side of the island," she said. "I landed
> here when my cruise ship sank."
>
> "Amazing," he said, "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How
> many of you are there? You were really lucky to have a rowboat
> wash up with you."
>
> "It's only me," she said, "and the rowboat didn't wash up; nothing did."
>
> He was confused, "Then how did you get the rowboat? "
>
> "Oh, simple," replied the woman. "I made it out of raw material
> that I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum-tree
> branches, I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and
> stern came from a eucalyptus tree."
>
> "But, but, that's impossible," stuttered the man. "You had no
> tools or hardware -- how did you manage? "
>
> "Oh, that was no problem," the woman said. "On the south side of
> the island, there is a very unusual strata of exposed alluvial
> rock. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my
> kiln, it melted into forge-able ductile iron. I used that for
> tools, and used the tools to make the hardware. But enough of
> that. Where do you live? "
>
> Sheepishly, the man confessed that he had been sleeping on the
> beach the whole time.
>
> "Well, let's row over to my place, then," she said. After a few
> minutes of rowing, she docked the boat at a small wharf. As the
> man looked onto shore, he nearly fell out of the boat. Before him
> was a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue
> and white.
>
> While the woman tied up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp
> rope, the man could only stare ahead, dumbstruck.
>
> As they walked into the house, she said casually, "It's not much,
> but I call it home. Sit down, please; would you like to have a drink?"> "No, no, thank you," he said, still dazed. "I can't take any more coconut juice."
>
> "It's not coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have a still. How
> about a pina colada? "
>
> Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepted, and
> they sat down on her couch to talk.
>
> After they had exchanged their stories, the woman announced, "I'm
> going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to
> take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet
> in the bathroom."
>
> No longer questioning anything, the man went into the bathroom.
> There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle. Two
> shells honed to a hollow-ground edge were fastened to its tip,
> inside a swivel mechanism.
>
> "This woman is amazing," he mused. "What next? "
>
> When he returned, the woman greeted him wearing nothing but vines
> -strategically positioned -- and smelling faintly of gardenias.
> She beckoned for him to sit down next to her.
>
> "Tell me," she began suggestively, slithering closer to him,
> "We've been out here for a very long time. You've been lonely.
> There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now,
> something you've been longing for all these months? You know. ..."
>
> She stared into his eyes.
>
> He couldn't believe what he was hearing: `You mean...,"He replied, "I can check my e-mail from here?"
Many of the popular jokes about Bill Clinton involve Hillary. One has
the Clintons driving along in Arkansas. Needing gas, they pull over.
Hillary excuses herself to go to the ladies' room. After filling the
tank, Bill goes looking for Hillary and is surprised to see her
talking animatedly with the gas station attendant. Stunned, he watches
as she gives the attendant a big hug and a kiss on each cheek."What was that all about? " Bill asks huffily when she returns to the car.
"Oh," explains Hillary, "I went to high school with that guy. In fact,
I even dated him at one time. We were catching up on old times.""Well," observes Bill, "I guess if you had married him, you'd be pumping gas today!"
"Oh no, says Hillary, "if I had married him, he'd be the president of the United States!"
OWNERS MANUAL
Each man and each woman actually does have an owners's manual. Nothing's written down anywhere, but the directions for operation of an individual in a relationship are detailed and specific nonetheless. So when you start out with someone, you're essentially driving a strange car for the first time and none of the controls are labeled. So the wipers can come on at strange times, sometimes you stall. On top of that we've all met people with bad steering, no brakes, needs a muffler, headlights a little dim, too much in the trunk, not enough under the hood, prone to back fire, won't turn over and just plain out of gas. Which is why when people get ready to get married they so often seem to chose basic transportation. It's simple, it's reliable, and it gets you there.
That's important on a long trip.
Jerry Seinfeld
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