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Hello, and welcome to Bizarre!, reminding you that taxation WITH representation isn't so hot either...
Tony Roberts of Grant's Pass, Oregon is recovering this week after doctors at Portland's University Hospital removed an arrow from his brain. According to Roberts, he let a friend try and shoot a beer can off his head. The arrow entered Roberts' right eye, traveled through his brain and came out the back of his skull. The accident occurred during an initiation ceremony into a club called "Mountain Men Anonymous... apparently being president of Morons Anonymous just wasn't enough...Angela Coqueran has filed suit in New York state after the manager of a Manhattan McDonalds restaurant refused to sell the 37-year-old woman a Happy Meal so she could get her Teenie Beanie Baby collectible toy. Her attorney claims the manager is clearly in violation of "Happy Meal rules..." which, as you know, carries the death penalty...
A family in Madrid, Spain complained to their baker this week after finding a human finger inside a fresh-baked loaf. Turned out it belonged to the baker, who had lost in the bread machine that morning... thanks, but I'd still really rather have my Beanie Baby...A 16-year-old girl in Falkirk, Scotland has been ordered to undergo an anger management course after assaulting a man and destroying property because she was "fed up" with a name that didn't suit her. Happy Stewart told the court she wants to be called Elizabeth... her middle name, "Birthday," will also need to be changed...
And speaking of names, yours may be more important than you think. In a study of death certificates, a California professor has found that men with "positive" initials-- like V.I.P and W.I.N-- live 4.8 years longer on average than a control group. Men whose initials form negative acronyms like P.I.G and B.U.M, on the other hand, died 2.8 years sooner... sounds like somebody needs to get a J.O.B.
Way More Than You Wanted to Know Department: The Times of London reports this week that the average person will grow two yards of nostril hair in their lifetime...
A transsexual Canadian woman who used to be a man is suing a gay and lesbian bar for refusing to let her use the women's restroom... I'm sorry, this is all just too confusing...
Doubts about Hector Rivas' sanity were laid to rest after the convicted murderer snored and shouted through most of his two-day trial in April. A prosecution expert insisted that Rivas was faking insanity, but after he appeared in court smeared with his own feces, the jury seemed convinced...
Our Product of The Week Award goes to Ted Oliver of Great Britain, who is offering "Bounty Hunter vacation packages" to British tourists this summer. For $1,300, vacationers will get black uniforms, body armor, and semi-automatic pistols, and the chance to accompany Oliver on a manhunt for criminals in America...
Police in Korea have charged Kim Yong-se with murder for killing a fellow church elder by throwing a bible at his head... in times like these, I always turn to the Scriptures...
An inventor in Xi'an, China has come up with a new method of birth control for men. According to the official Xinhua news agency, the "pager-size" device fits inside a man's underwear and emits electronic pulses that render him temporarily sterile... and for an extra $5.95 a month, your underwear can get unlimited Internet access...
After returning from a Burger King in Deltona, Florida, Henry Snowden was surprised to find his order was wrong. Along with his burger and fries, Snowden found a pouch containing $4000 in cash. A restaurant employee had hidden the bank deposit in a Burger King bag to deter thieves, and another employee handed it to Mr. Snowden with his order... honest, I thought it was just a really GOOD value meal...
When police found a plastic bag of powder in Michael Horne's pickup truck, there was a difference of opinion. Police said it was methamphetamine. Horne insisted it was the ashes of his dead grandmother. Testing seemed to confirm the police theory. But after Horne lost his job, his pickup, his apartment, and spent a month in jail, further tests revealed he was telling the truth...
Hundreds of people are flocking to the banks of a river in Cambodia after hearing reports of a "magic turtle" with special healing powers. "I've never seen this kind of magic turtle before," said one 60-year-old woman. "I believe the magic turtle comes to save our lives..."Graham Griffin, a fishing boat captain in Australia, has been sentenced to nine months in prison for throwing crewman Adrian Bush to the sharks for "not catching enough fish..." sure, where's the magic turtle when you need him?
The Terrible Tickler is still on the loose in Glastonbury, Connecticut. Over the past four years, eleven women in this small town have been awakened in the middle of the night by someone tickling their feet. Police suspect the culprit is a male, but are unsure because none of the victims has ever gotten a good look at the perpetrator... Tickle My Elmo...
In an effort to curb promiscuity and halt the spread of AIDS among schoolchildren, the South African government has approved a "virginity test." Children who pass are given a certificate of virtue. According to The Times of London, the test for boys includes urinating, without using their hands, over a thin piece of wire strung a meter off the ground. They are also checked for an "indentation behind their knees," said an examiner, "which is a sign of sexual activity... no, that's from hanging upside down on a thin piece of wire...
And now, The TOP FIVE Rejected Children's Books:
5. Where in the New York Area is Jimmy Hoffa?
4. The Dyslexic's Big Anagram Book
3. Barney's Bleeding and Nobody Can Help
2. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will and the Number 1 Rejected Children's Book...
1. Furious George Delivers the MailSome choice comments from my strange and lovely readers this week:
"Better than Viagra!"
"A zesty summer tonic!"
"I've started my own clothes line."
"Beer is proof that God love us, and wants us to be happy."
"You are the king of weird mail."
"Now look what you've done."
"The newsletter for the chemically unbalanced."
"I guess 'Inbreeders Monthly' was already taken?"
"I read it to my kids before they go to sleep so they can be just like you!"
"A dangerous mix of Prozac and Viagra."
"This is why we keep the doors locked."
"I never knew the human brain could work with so little."
"I'm a glutton for punishment."
"Time to increase the dosage."
"Nobody knows I'm Elvis."
"Yeast infections are FREE, too."
"Do you allow interns at your office?"
"I used to think you completely made those things up. Now I'm terrified."
"You are the handbasket taking us to hell."
