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Officials from the Occupational Safety and Health Administration inspected their own offices and cited themselves on three safely violations...and if I don't get this taken care of right away, I'm going to have to shut me down...
When his .38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, robber James Eliot peered down the barrel and tried it again. This time, it worked...
Ron Hoffman of Crystal, Kentucky, picked up a machete and lopped off the red roof light of a Pennsylvania state police cruiser. After his arrest, Hoffman explained it was "just something he always wanted to do..."
Charlotte, NC man, having purchased a case of rare, very expensive cigars, insured them against... get this... fire. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of fabulous cigars, and having yet to make a single payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, he stated that he had lost the cigars in "a series of small fires. " The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in a normal fashion. The man sued... and won. In delivering his ruling, the judge stated that since the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable, and also guaranteed that it would insure the cigars against fire, without defining what it considered to be "unacceptable fire, " it was obligated to compensate the insured for his loss. Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the judge's ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he lost in "the fires." After the man cashed his check however, the insurance company had him arrested... on 24 counts of arson. With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning the rare cigars and sentenced to 24 consecutive terms.
A New Jersey man made international headlines when the tip of his male member was sliced off by a vacuum cleaner. The mercifully unidentified 51-year-old first told police that "someone" had stabbed him in the groin while sleeping. He later admitted to police that he had been "hoping to obtain pleasure" from the machine's powerful suction. Apparently, he got too close to the dust-collection blade. The man told detectives that he didn't remember the incident... now you know what all those attachments are for...
The Pentagon's new 15 billion-dollar anti-missile defense system failed its fifth straight test when the THADD launch spiraled out of control. Military officials have no intention of rethinking the program, however, and Senator Trent Lott agrees. "The American people," said Lott, "are entitled to some sort of defense against incoming missiles..." of course, they could just surround the entire country with a wall of dollar bills...
A school bus driver in Martinez, California is in trouble for stopping his busload of unruly elementary students, pulling out a knife, and threatening to "cut their ears off..."
And a female school bus driver in Griswold, Connecticut faces legal charges for allegedly having sex with a 14-year-old student, and "buying beer and cigarettes for other passengers..." I just don't remember school being this much fun...
A 12-year-old girl in Mount Airy, Maryland has been labeled a drug trafficker by school officials after she shared her prescription inhaler with a classmate who was having a severe asthma attack... I DO remember school being this stupid...
Two men in Milan, Italy were hospitalized this week after dueling with machine guns. Police say Mario Albao and Loris Grancini were quarreling over the affections of a young woman when the discussion "degenerated." Both survived... ready, fire, aim...
Not to be outdone, two friends in West Virginia decided to play a game of chicken with a train. David Flannery and an unnamed buddy were competing to see who could stand on the tracks longest in front of the oncoming CSX freight train. Flannery won-- then flew 70 feet in the air from the impact... why do I get the feeling that a case of beer was also involved?
A Kenyan couple required police and medical assistance to get untangled after "becoming stuck" while making love. The Kenya Times reported that police had to fire tear gas to disperse a crowd of hundreds of curious onlookers. The lovers were airlifted to Nairobi to be separated... I TOLD you I was tense...
A restaurant in Ocala, Florida was robbed last month by a man wearing only a pair of boxer shorts-- on his head... I can't wait for the lineup...
Our feel-good story of the week: a former IRS officer in San Francisco, California has been sentenced to jail for tax evasion... I love this story. I really, really love this story...
Police in Kankakee, Illinois held a special "Guns-for Beanie Babies" promotion, and collected firearms from 40 citizens eager to swap their weapons for a cuddly collectible...
Armed robbers in Vicenza, Italy stole $1.4 million worth of gold from the Banca di Roma in April. The bank is located just 50 yards from the police station. According to the AGI news agency, "Nobody at the police station was available for comment..." or anything else, for that matter...
Three city workers in Cartago, Colombia, who were disturbed when a privatization plan threatened to eliminate 300 jobs, staged a protest-- they had themselves crucified. The men were "fixed to cross-like planks with five-inch nails driven through their hands." After 50 hours, city authorities gave in to the workers' demands... THIS will look good on the resume...
An eighth-grade student at Eagle Park Middle School in California was suspended for bringing plastic bags filled with homemade napalm to class. Principal John Larson said the boy got the recipe on the Internet... he found it at iamanidiot.com...
The latest rage in personal care in New York City is a "stone massage." For $130, says the owner of the Stone Spa, you can get an 80-minute massage with warm oil and rocks... I'll hit you with a stick for only a hundred...
"You must be one of those bad things that happen to good people."
"What is this "brain" thing I keep hearing so much about?"
"Love your thang."
"I believe we are all dumber for having read this."
"Did I do it? Did I raise your hand?"
"Who killed the REAL editors?"
"It's the only reason I go online."
"Is somebody forgetting their medicine?"
"I now know why incest is illegal."
"How much work does it take, to be so damn cool?"
"I love the invisible quotes section."
"And that, honey, is where babies come from."
"You're seeing a whole TEAM of psychiatrists, aren't you?"
"Bad breath is better than no breath."
"Oh my goodness I really can't send empty mail."
"I wanna be just like you... so I stopped attending school."
"I want the last 10 minutes of my life back."
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