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For those of you who have been returning to this site for the humorous side of things, I am sorry but the more I look the less funny things seem to be! However I continue to add bits of humor to everything (it tends to help keep me sane !!) However if you consider yourself part of the moral right you will probably find this entire site full of humor..
Rules for Life
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
One good turn gets most of the blankets.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any.
There are two kinds of pedestrians--the quick and the dead.
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
If quitters never win, and winners never cheat,
then who is the fool who said "Quit while you're ahead"?
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
The easiest way to find something you've lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say,
talk in your sleep.Two friends were playing golf, when one pulled out a cigar. He didn`t have a lighter, so he asked his friend if he had one.
"I sure do," he replied and reached into his golf bag and pulled out a 12 inch BIC lighter."Wow ! " said his friend, "where did you get that monster?"
"I got it from my genie."
"You have a genie?" he asked.
"Yes, he`s right here in my golf bag."
He opens his golf bag and out pops the genie.
The friend says, "I`m a good friend of your master. Will you grant me one wish?"
"Yes I will," the genie said.
So he asks the genie for a million bucks, and the genie hops back into the golf bag and leaves him standing there waiting for his million bucks.
Suddenly the sky begins to darken, and the sound of a million ducks flying overhead is heard.
The friend tells his golfing partner, "I asked for a million bucks, not ducks!"
He answers, "I forgot to tell you the genie is hard of hearing.
Do you really think I asked him for a 12 inch BIC?"New Alcohol Warning Labels
12.WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an asshole.
11.WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story
. over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.
10.WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
9. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are
. really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.
8. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened
. to your pants.
7. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and
. see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember).
6. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns
. on the forehead.
5. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher,
. handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Chuck.
4. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
3. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum,
. whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally "disappear".
1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.Stevie Wonder and Jack Nicklaus are in a bar. Stevie mentions that they ought to get together and play a few holes.
"You play golf!?" asks Jack.Stevie says, "Yes, I have been playing for years."
"But I thought you were blind; how can you play golf if you are blind?" Jack asks." I get my caddie to stand in the middle of the fairway and he calls to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him, then when I get to where the ball lands the caddie moves to the green or further down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice," explains Stevie.
"But how do you putt?" Nicklaus wondered.
"Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddie to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball to the sound of his voice."Nicklaus says, "What is your handicap?"
"Well, I play off scratch," Stevie assures Jack. Nicklaus is incredulous and says to Stevie, "We must play a game sometime."
Wonder replies, "Well, people don`t take me seriously so I only play for money, and I never play for less than $100,000 a hole."Nicklaus thinks it over and says, "OK, I`m up for that. When would you like to play?"
"I don`t care - any night next week is OK with me."
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