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moreA son and father went to see a doctor since the father was getting
very ill. The doctor told the father and son that the father was dying
from cancer. The father, who was an Irishman, turned to his son and
said, "Son, even on this gloomy day, it`s our tradition to drink to
health as it is in death; so let`s go to the pub and celebrate my
demise." Reluctantly, the son followed his father to the local pub.
There, while enjoying their ale, the father saw some old friends and
told them he was dying from AIDS. Shocked, the son turned to his
father and said, "Father, it is not AIDS you are dying from. It is
cancer. Why did you lie to those men?" The father replied: "Aye, my
son, you are right; but I don`t want those guys sleeping with your mom
when I`m gone."
A veterinarian surgeon had a bad day, but when he got home from
tending to all the sick animals, his wife was waiting with a long cool
drink and a romantic candle-lit dinner. After dinner, they had a few
more drinks and went happily to bed.
At about 2:00 in the morning, the phone rang. "Is this the vet?"
asked an elderly lady`s voice.
"Yes, it is," replied the vet, "Is this an emergency?"
"Well, sort of", said the elderly lady, "there`s a whole bunch of cats
on the roof outside making a terrible noise mating and I can`t get to
sleep. What can I do about it?"
There was a sharp intake of breath from the vet, who then patiently
replied, "Open the window and tell them they`re wanted on the phone."
"Really?" said the elderly lady, "Will that stop them?"
"It should," said the vet, "it stopped ME!An old man was sitting on his front porch down in Louisiana watching
the sunrise. He sees his neighbor John walk by carrying something big under his arm. He yells out, "Hey, whatcha got there?" John yells back, "Roll of chicken wire." Old man says, "What you gonna do with that?" John says, "Gonna catch some chickens." Old man yells, "You damn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" John just laughs and keeps walking.
That evening at sunset John comes walking by and to the old man's surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.
Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sunrise as he sees John walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand. Old man yells out, "Hey John, whatcha got there?" John yells back, "Roll of duck tape." Old man says, "What you gonna do with that?" John says back, "Gonna catch me some ducks." Old man yells back, "You damn fool, it's 'duct' tape NOT 'duck' tape!" John just laughs and keeps walking.
That night around sunset John walks by and to the old man's amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duct tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.
Same time next morning the old man sees the John walking by carrying
what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end. Old man says, "Hey John, whatcha got there?" John says, "It's a pussy willow."
Old man says, "Wait up! I'll get my hat!!"A 60-year woman came home one day and heard strange noises in her daughter's bedroom. She opened the door and discovered her daughter playing with a vibrator. "What are you doing?!" she asked. "Mom, I'm 40 years old, and look at me. I'll never get married, so this is pretty much my husband," the daughter answered. The mother walked out of the room shaking her head.
The next day, the father came home and heard noises in the bedroom. Upon entering the room, he found his daughter using the vibrator. "What the HELL are you doing?" he asked. "I already told Mom, I'm 40 years old now and will never get married, so this is as close as I'll ever get to a husband," she answered. The father walked out of the room shaking his head.
The next day, the mother came home and found her husband watching
a football game on TV with a beer in one hand and the vibrator in the other. "What on earth are you doing?!" she cried. The husband replied, "What's it look like I'm doing? I'm having a beer and watching the football game with my son-in-law!!"Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they
get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back,he says, "Honey,
my hands are freezing!" She says, "Well, put them here between my thighs and that
will warm them up." After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes
back and says again, "Man! my hands are really freezing!" She says again, "Well,
put them here between my thighs and warm them up." He does, and again that warms
him up. After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop some wood to get them
through the night. When he returns, he says again, "Honey, my hands are really,
really freezing!"
She looks at him and says, "For crying out loud, don't your ears ever get cold?"
********Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years
when he came home one day and confess to his wife that he had a terrible
compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill
indicated that he`d be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on
his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife
could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
"What`s wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this
tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, Bill, you didn`t." "Yes, I did." "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got
fired." "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, she got fired too."
*******A general store owner hires a young female clerk with a penchant for very short
skirts. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk, and glances
at the loaves of bread behind the counter. "I`d like some raisin bread, please."
the man says politely.
The clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread located on the
very top shelf. The man, standing almost directly beneath her, is provided with
an excellent view. As the clerk retrieves the bread, a small group of male
customers gather around the young man, looking in the same direction.
Pretty soon each person is asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb
up and down.
After a few trips the clerk is tired and irritated. She stops and fumes at the
top of the ladder, glaring at the men standing below. She notices an elderly man
standing amongst the throng. "Is yours raisin too?" the clerk yells testily.
"No," croaks the feeble old man....
"But it`s startin` to twitch."What did one lesbian frog say to the other lesbian frog? Ummm, we really do taste like chicken.
Top 20 reasons to serve alcohol at work...
1. It's an incentive to show up.
2. It reduces stress.
3. It leads to more honest communications.
4. It reduces complaints about low pay.
5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.
6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.
7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.
8. It encourages carpooling.
9. Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't care.
10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
11. It makes fellow employees look better.
12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
15. Employees work later since there's no longer a need to relax at the bar.
16. It makes everyone more open with their ideas.
17. Everyone agrees to the work better after they've had a couple of drinks.
18. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break.
19. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.
20. Sitting on the copy machine will no longer be seen as "gross."Once there was a hillbilly boy who, after getting his G.E.D.(high school
equivalency diploma), went to work for his father in the family business of
Rust-Collecting. One day he met a hillbilly girl and they hit it off and started
dating. They enjoyed each other`s company, and both liked the same things, like
Cow-Tipping and Beater-Car-Smashing. Eventually, they decided to marry.
After the ceremony, the boy was really looking forward to the wedding night, and
to show how big a deal this marriage was, he took his new bride to an
actual,money-paying Motel.
When they arrived, his wife went into the bathroom to change,
while he was getting ready himself. She came out of the bathroom dressed
in her sexiest burlap, and the boy grabbed her and tossed her on the bed.
"Be gentle with me," she said,"I`m a virgin."
The boy immediately flew into a rage, got dressed, grabbed the girl
and threw her into the back of his pickup truck. He screeched to a
stop in front of her parents` house, threw her out, and burned rubber outta
there. He drove to his Dad`s house and told him the whole story through eyes
filled with tears. His Dad comforted him and said,"You did the right thing,
son---don`t feel bad. A VIRGIN??!! Well, if she wasn`t good enough for HER
family, she sure isn`t good enough for OURS!!!"
