|
|
THE PHEASANT AND THE BULL
A pheasant was standing in a field chatting to a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of yonder tree', sighed the pheasant,'but I haven't got the energy'.
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull.'They're packed with nutrients'.
The pheasant pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. And so on.Finally, after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree,
whereupon he was spotted by a farmer who dashed into the farmhouse, emerged with a shotgun,
and shot the pheasant right out of the tree.Moral of the Story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there
A man flying in a hot air balloon suddenly realizes he’s lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts to get directions, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?" The man below says: "Yes. You're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field." "You must work in Information Technology," says the balloonist. "I do" replies the man. "How did you know?" "Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but It's of no use to anyone." The man below replies, "You must work in management." "I do," replies the balloonist, "But how'd you know?"* "Well", says the man, "you don’t know where you are or where you’re going, but you expect me to be able to help. You’re in the same position you were before we met, but now it’s my fault."
With the United States government formally out of money today,
crowds across the country cheered as the CIA, FBI and Congress were all shut down.
"What a great day this is for our country!" said Farmer Joe-Bob Balloo.
President Bush warned that CIA operatives in the Third World would no
longer be available to warn America about imminent dangers.
"Imagine where we'd be if the CIA hadn't warned us that Iran was going to
be taken over by the Ayatollah?" Bush said. "And where would we be if the
CIA hadn't told us that Iraq was going to invade Kuwait?"
Reminded that the CIA had failed to warn the U.S. about either of those
critical occurrences, Bush noted a far greater danger: many CIA operatives
would be left without girlfriends, vodka, or money to park the foreign cars
given to them by other countries.
Senator Dole expressed concern that Federal law-enforcement agencies
would no longer be available to shoot innocent citizens. "Ruby Ridge never
could have happened if we didn't have the money to pay those sharp-shooters!"
he warned.
Meanwhile, drug addicts and alcoholics across the country were left
without their disability checks from the government. Welfare recipients were
forced to go out and work for a living, as were politicians.
But protests against the shutdown did come later in the day from farmers
and corporations who depended on government handouts to prop up their useless operations.
"Hey, wait a minute, where's my peanut subsidy?" demanded Farmer Joe-Bob Balloo.
And as infants, elderly and critically ill people were carted into the
streets by closed-down hospitals and nursing homes, Bush announced that he
had suddenly "remembered" $3 trillion that had fallen behind the cushion on his couch.
The peanut and tobacco subsidies were saved!
A priest and a Rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a train.
After a while, the priest opened a conversation by saying
"I know that, in your religion, you're not supposed to eat pork...Have you actually ever tasted it? "
The Rabbi said, "I must tell the truth. Yes, I have, on the odd occasion."
Then the Rabbi had his turn of interrogation.
He asked, "Your religion, too...I know you're supposed to be celibate. But...."
The priest replied,
"Yes, I know what you're going to ask. I have succumbed once or twice."
There was silence for a while. Then the Rabbi peeped around the newspaper he was reading and said,
"Better than pork, isn't it?"
Three women all work in the same office with the same female boss.
Every day, they noticed the boss left work early. One day, the girls decided that, when the boss left, they`d be right behind her. After all, she never called or came back, so how was she to know?
The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening and went to bed early.
The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at her spa before a dinner date.
The blonde was happy happy happy to be home, but when she got to her bedroom she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly, quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with HER BOSS!!! Ever so gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.The next day, at coffee break, the brunette and redhead mentioned leaving early again, and asked the blonde if she was with them.
"NO WAY," she exclaimed, "I almost got caught yesterday!"
*******
A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, and told him, "I`ve kidnapped you."
She then wrote a note saying, "I`ve kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde."
The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid`s shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.
The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The Blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said,
"How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?"
