I am filling out a job application and the question comes up, "Have you ever been arrested?"
We all know if you say yes, 90% chance your application hits the circular file. Say no and they will background check you.
This story starts when I was walking my dog in the park.
Some children and an adult came over to pet the puppy. A woman asked if the dog was okay and the kids took turns more or less.
One very small girl was licked by the dog, screamed and ran away to a near by pavilion.
Soon an officer walked up and asked for license, shots tags etc.
I complied, Then he asked me, "Do you know why I am pulling you over tonight?"
I replied, "I think we are both walking".
I thought it might be my van or my politically incorrect t-shirt but I remained, silent.
"Funny Guy, We don't like pedophiles around here.
I quickly explained we were trying to pick up some milf like women not children.
I replied, "Is there some lurking about?, I have never met a real pervert"
I was then searched, 35 cents, half a joint, 2 pieces of candy and a cough drop were found in my possession.
Funny man now in handcuffs and placed in a patrol car. aka handcuffed to a golf cart
The officer joined me and told me I was in big trouble, but I could deal my way out.
He asked me if I knew what day it was?
Do you know what time it is?
Do you know where you are?
Somewhere in Maryland?
"Exactly what are the charges? I asked?
Smoking out doors,
Small amount of controlled substance for sale
Selling drugs in Park or school area
Walking a dog in a forbidden public area,
Walking a dog under the influence of drugs or alcohol,
SEVEN counts Endangering welfare of children,
Endangering welfare of a dog,
Walking a dog with leash too long,
Carrying pedophiles tools,
Failure to register as sex offender,
Solicitation of prostitute?
That one is for Pee wee, he presented a flower and then pissed on that hookers leg,
who happens to be my partner undercover and
peeing on the leg is clearly solicitation of a sex act...
I explained to the officer that dogs were allowed in the park...
NO more he said,
but "they have a poop bag stand?"
"They didn't take it down yet..."
"I told him I had not tested positive for anything?"
"You are obviously high on something..."
Endangering the welfare I asked?
You let several children pet your dog thus endangering all of them.
Records show you were busted for public lewdness in 1961...
I explained I was two years old in 1961...
Records show that on May 13th 1961, respondent did willfully remove his diaper and place it in a birdbath...
I agreed to plead guilty to pedophile tools (candy)
Leash too long 5 feet limit.
He agreed to let me slide on the weed if he could keep it.
Meanwhile Pee wee pooped on the ground and pissed on the car tire.
followed ticket for non-compliance of pooper scoop law.
I was then lead back to my Van, to be set free,.
Officer Obie looked in and said. "I don't see any dog restraint?"
Back to four tickets.
"Welcome to New Jersey enjoy your stay"
I turned back towards Maryland and when I arrived the State police were waiting
they told me if I left New Jersey without paying my fines I could be charged with felony fleeing...
So we went to court, total fines $420, so it's okay, until they doubled them because offense "occurred within 1000 feet of a church property or operation" and then redoubled it because there was a construction zone nearby. $1680 on my Master card, $120 tip to officer Obie...
Six months later there was a knock on the door, warrant for Pee wee.
In all the excitement I forgot to pay his ticket. He was fined and deported to Germany (yeah I thought Holland maybe Netherlands, it turns out Dachshunds are German) Little gay nazis...
Now I am filling out this application and I'm not sure what they mean by being arrested...
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